Friday, July 18, 2008
The McChurian Candidate
In political campaigns, truth will out.
It’s painfully obvious that Barack Obama is a Muslim. It’s not just his middle name that’s a giveaway. It’s also the fact he insists on facing Mecca five times a day. I’ve seen the videos. He might as well just scream out “Allah Akhbar!” at every rally. After all, when has The New Yorker ever been wrong?
Lost in all of this, however, is perhaps an even more troubling story, a story the mainstream media is reluctant to report.
We all know about John McCain’s capture and subsequent torture at the hands of the North Vietnamese. His heroism is well documented. What is not known however is that while imprisoned, McCain was given a small gift: a microchip implanted in his left temporal lobe. Encoded in this chip are instructions from his Vietnamese masters. It is only a matter of time before McCain acts on these orders.
While visiting Hanoi last week for Zagat’s Guide to Puppy Restaurants, I was fortunate enough to meet Xio Lin Cho, a former NVA soldier and one of McCain’s interrogators at The Hanoi Hilton. Over a traditional lunch of cha gio, bánh chưng, and broiled Shar-Pei, the old lieutenant explained how McCain’s brain had been hotwired.
“It was a very simple procedure,” Xio recalled. “Virtually painless. Mr. McCain was conscious throughout and even joked that he wanted another chip implanted is his penis, which he called “his other little brain.”
I asked him what sort of commands had been programmed and how the American public would know when Senator McCain was prepared to act. Would there be any warning signs?
Xio smiled, a piece of puppy dangling from a molar. “You have already seen the signs.
Mr. McCain was instructed to marry a blonde heiress with strong beer connections. He briefly dated the St. Pauli Girl and the Coors Swedish Bikini Team before he settled on his current wife Cindy.”
He leaned in, a smile breaking every so slightly. “When you say ‘Bud’…” Xio chuckled and used his small hands to imitate some sort of explosion.
“Do you want another sign?” Xio asked.
I nodded emphatically.
“When Mr. McCain speaks of ‘Czechoslovakia,’ it is not by accident. Back in 1969, there was a Czechoslovakia, and Mr. McCain still believes this is so. The word ‘Czechoslovakia’ is the first indicator that his final orders have been initiated.
I was stunned, so stunned that not even the delicious lightly seared Shar-Pei could hold my attention. I begged him for more information.
Xio lowered his eyes. “On Inauguration Day 2009, John McCain will walk up to the podium to take the oath of office. At the exact moment he says “So help me God,” something will happen that will make your 9/11 seem like a firecracker.”
“What? What?” I implored.
“I have said too much already.” Xio turned to the waitress and asked for a doggy bag, not fully getting the irony.
“But what if Obama wins? Then we’ll be okay, right?”
Xio stood up and bowed. “That cannot happen. Mr. McCain will make sure it will not happen.” And with that, the frail Xio walked away, leaving me alone with a thousand questions and the reasonable lunch bill.
The waitress leaned over. “Comrade Xio always speaks the truth, but he left out one important thing.”
It was days later before I found out what she meant, in a fax sent to my hotel. The cunning Xio indeed had left out one thing.
It is not my intent to scare or tease my readers. Suffice it to say, there is more than one radical Muslim running for President right now.
It’s painfully obvious that Barack Obama is a Muslim. It’s not just his middle name that’s a giveaway. It’s also the fact he insists on facing Mecca five times a day. I’ve seen the videos. He might as well just scream out “Allah Akhbar!” at every rally. After all, when has The New Yorker ever been wrong?
Lost in all of this, however, is perhaps an even more troubling story, a story the mainstream media is reluctant to report.
We all know about John McCain’s capture and subsequent torture at the hands of the North Vietnamese. His heroism is well documented. What is not known however is that while imprisoned, McCain was given a small gift: a microchip implanted in his left temporal lobe. Encoded in this chip are instructions from his Vietnamese masters. It is only a matter of time before McCain acts on these orders.
While visiting Hanoi last week for Zagat’s Guide to Puppy Restaurants, I was fortunate enough to meet Xio Lin Cho, a former NVA soldier and one of McCain’s interrogators at The Hanoi Hilton. Over a traditional lunch of cha gio, bánh chưng, and broiled Shar-Pei, the old lieutenant explained how McCain’s brain had been hotwired.
“It was a very simple procedure,” Xio recalled. “Virtually painless. Mr. McCain was conscious throughout and even joked that he wanted another chip implanted is his penis, which he called “his other little brain.”
I asked him what sort of commands had been programmed and how the American public would know when Senator McCain was prepared to act. Would there be any warning signs?
Xio smiled, a piece of puppy dangling from a molar. “You have already seen the signs.
Mr. McCain was instructed to marry a blonde heiress with strong beer connections. He briefly dated the St. Pauli Girl and the Coors Swedish Bikini Team before he settled on his current wife Cindy.”
He leaned in, a smile breaking every so slightly. “When you say ‘Bud’…” Xio chuckled and used his small hands to imitate some sort of explosion.
“Do you want another sign?” Xio asked.
I nodded emphatically.
“When Mr. McCain speaks of ‘Czechoslovakia,’ it is not by accident. Back in 1969, there was a Czechoslovakia, and Mr. McCain still believes this is so. The word ‘Czechoslovakia’ is the first indicator that his final orders have been initiated.
I was stunned, so stunned that not even the delicious lightly seared Shar-Pei could hold my attention. I begged him for more information.
Xio lowered his eyes. “On Inauguration Day 2009, John McCain will walk up to the podium to take the oath of office. At the exact moment he says “So help me God,” something will happen that will make your 9/11 seem like a firecracker.”
“What? What?” I implored.
“I have said too much already.” Xio turned to the waitress and asked for a doggy bag, not fully getting the irony.
“But what if Obama wins? Then we’ll be okay, right?”
Xio stood up and bowed. “That cannot happen. Mr. McCain will make sure it will not happen.” And with that, the frail Xio walked away, leaving me alone with a thousand questions and the reasonable lunch bill.
The waitress leaned over. “Comrade Xio always speaks the truth, but he left out one important thing.”
It was days later before I found out what she meant, in a fax sent to my hotel. The cunning Xio indeed had left out one thing.
It is not my intent to scare or tease my readers. Suffice it to say, there is more than one radical Muslim running for President right now.
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