Phil's Thinking

Prodded by Senator John Warner to explain his Iraq policies more clearly to the American people, President Bush has begun a series of “Fireside Chats” from the East Wing of the White House. Here is the transcript from his first chat:

My fellow Americans:

Oh, it’s nice and toasty in here. Tonight, I begin the first in a series of... (he glances at the fireplace)… Listen to that baby crackle! Damn, I make one heckuva fire. I always could. Every Christmas in Kennebunkport, I was in charge of keeping the fire going while Jeb and Dad sat around and read books and stuff, and Mom was yelling at the colored help.

A lot of Americans are rightly concerned about our policies in Iraq and the continuing death and destruction they see every night on their TV screens. I want to assure all of you that… (he stirs the fire with a poker) …ya know, fire can be a very useful. It can cook our meals, warm our homes and stop wild wolverines and badgers from attacking us. But fire can be bad too. It’s the main cause of fires. I’m reminded of what Smokey the Bear once said, “Ask not what fire can do for you, ask what you can do for your fire.” And this came from a bear. That’s one smart bear.

Since we began our campaign to liberate Iraq from the dictator Saddam, we’ve made a great deal of progress helping the Iraqis make the transition from tyranny to democracy. Every day, well over nine people in Baghdad get their electricity back. I’ve been told by experts at Halliburton that by the year 3023, all residents of Baghdad will have at least six hours of electricity every day. That may seem very far into the future, but remember, a thousand years ago almost nobody had microwaves and now just about everybody does. Steady progress is the hallmark of a successful policy.

In the past few weeks, there have been calls in Congress for the immediate withdrawal of our troops. I think that would be a big mis… (he reaches for several items on a table next to him)… Here, let me show you how I see the future of Iraq.

Okay now, this here is a Graham cracker. Not to be confused with the crackers who always vote for me. (he chuckles) Let’s say these are the Shiites. Now over here we got us some marshmallows. These will be the Kurds, and this chocolate bar will be the Sunnis. As you know, much of the insurgency comes directly from the chocolate bars. Makes me want to bomb Hershey, Pennsylvania. (he chuckles again).

Problem is, these three ingredients all want to have their own separate countries, and the Graham crackers and the marshmallows control most of the cooking oil. The chocolate bars feel left out of the process because they have no oil and so they mistrust the marshmallows and the crackers.

But the solution can be worked out peacefully if given time. (he puts a few marshmallows on a stick and places them into the fire). See here, the Kurds are warming up to the idea of one Iraq, getting all melty about this loosely-configured federation. (he takes the marshmallows out of the fire and places the gooey mess on top of a Graham cracker).

Now look closely. The Kurds and the Shiites are coming together to form a delicious alliance. This is pretty much how their new constitution was passed. But it can’t get really tasty until the Sunnis join them. (he tries to put the chocolate bar on a stick, but it breaks in two).

Look how hard it is for the Sunnis to join up. That’s where me and the State Department come in. (he takes the chocolate bar in his hand and places it near the fire). With some diplomatic heat and enough time, the Sunnis will realize that... ARGGHHHHHH! (he drops the chocolate bar into the fire).

Okay, that didn’t work. The delicious tastiness that could be Iraq cannot happen until we’ve defeated the last radical remnants of the chocolate bars. We have to stay the course to give our recipe for hope a fighting chance.

As I’ve said before, the terrorists hate us for our freedoms. And our s’mores.

Goodnight and God bless America. And the marshmallows.

Okay. We made a mistake.

Of course, by “we,” I mean all the misguided Red State voters. But now is not the time to be pointing fingers at those pinheads in Texas, South Carolina or Georgia. Now is not the time to blame those unthinking dimwits in Utah, Oklahoma or Tennessee. Or even those suspicious Diebold voting machines in Ohio.

Now is the time for some golf.

As many know, bad golfers can take a “mulligan” if they swing and miss the ball completely. Or if it dribbles four inches down the course after a mighty tee shot. It's a mistake that can be corrected.

Let's start thinking of the Bush Administration as the mulligan to end all mulligans. The two thousand brave soldiers who have died in Iraq so far (a major double-bogey concocted by Bush and Company) can't have a do-over. But we can honor their memory by ending this war before the eighteenth hole.

We can make sure that there will be no more “Brownies” doing one heckuva job. We can undo all the tax cuts that have bankrupted our treasury and have sabotaged our futures and those of subsequent generations. We can roll back the horrors of an administration that preaches family values, then breaches the privacy of a married CIA operative.

We don't have time for impeachment hearings should the Democrats wrest control of Congress next year. That process can take forever, and even if Bush is impeached and convicted, guess who takes over. That's right, our Caddy-in-Chief Dick (“Hole-in-Halliburton”) Cheney.

Pardon the pun, but sixty percent of us are so teed off that “Bush Fatigue” could turn us into zombie somnambulists in six more months, red eyes glazed over and muttering to ourselves should we keep hearing “They hate us for our freedom.” Damn, I'm starting to hate us for our freedom.

But the solution, my fellow golfers, is so easy.

All we need to do is follow California's lead.

Beset by an unpopular administration in the first year of its second term, the good people of the Golden State had the courage, if not the good sense, to recall the drab Gray Davis and replace him with the Technicolored Arnold Schwarzenegger, a movie star whose most impressive credential is that he's not a “girly man.”

We can do the same. Let's recall Bush. And I don't mean fondly. There has to be some hidden provision in our visionary Constitution that could sanction this process. Blackberry some emails to Lawrence Tribe or Harriet Miers or Perry Mason and let's get moving.

We can't take three more years of this mistake. Things can only go from worse to worserer.

There will be no withdrawal from Iraq because, in real-world terms, there is no Iraq. There's the Shiites and the Sunnis and the Kurds, and nobody there really gives a flying falafel about their grand constitution. Iraq is a bad pamphlet with bloodstained photos and terrible subtitles. And at the first sight of trouble, bereft of American backup, the two divisions of Iraqis trained to be fighting soldiers will drop their M-16s quicker than you can say “General Shinseki.”

This weak economy will continue to hemorrhage good jobs, and yes, while you in Alabama think a good job means Walmart, we in the more prosperous states can't survive on $8.65 an hour with no healthcare.

2008 seems like 2080 right now. If the Iraqis can keep having “special elections,” why can't we? If those terrorists hate our freedom so much, then they'll be seething when our fancy new, in-your-face recall election moves forward. Bring it on.

Kerry. Hillary. Edwards. Bayh. Take out those woods and wedges and dust off those golf shoes. We're teeing off at ten. Fore!