Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Taking a Mulligan on Bush
Okay. We made a mistake.
Of course, by “we,” I mean all the misguided Red State voters. But now is not the time to be pointing fingers at those pinheads in Texas, South Carolina or Georgia. Now is not the time to blame those unthinking dimwits in Utah, Oklahoma or Tennessee. Or even those suspicious Diebold voting machines in Ohio.
Now is the time for some golf.
As many know, bad golfers can take a “mulligan” if they swing and miss the ball completely. Or if it dribbles four inches down the course after a mighty tee shot. It's a mistake that can be corrected.
Let's start thinking of the Bush Administration as the mulligan to end all mulligans. The two thousand brave soldiers who have died in Iraq so far (a major double-bogey concocted by Bush and Company) can't have a do-over. But we can honor their memory by ending this war before the eighteenth hole.
We can make sure that there will be no more “Brownies” doing one heckuva job. We can undo all the tax cuts that have bankrupted our treasury and have sabotaged our futures and those of subsequent generations. We can roll back the horrors of an administration that preaches family values, then breaches the privacy of a married CIA operative.
We don't have time for impeachment hearings should the Democrats wrest control of Congress next year. That process can take forever, and even if Bush is impeached and convicted, guess who takes over. That's right, our Caddy-in-Chief Dick (“Hole-in-Halliburton”) Cheney.
Pardon the pun, but sixty percent of us are so teed off that “Bush Fatigue” could turn us into zombie somnambulists in six more months, red eyes glazed over and muttering to ourselves should we keep hearing “They hate us for our freedom.” Damn, I'm starting to hate us for our freedom.
But the solution, my fellow golfers, is so easy.
All we need to do is follow California's lead.
Beset by an unpopular administration in the first year of its second term, the good people of the Golden State had the courage, if not the good sense, to recall the drab Gray Davis and replace him with the Technicolored Arnold Schwarzenegger, a movie star whose most impressive credential is that he's not a “girly man.”
We can do the same. Let's recall Bush. And I don't mean fondly. There has to be some hidden provision in our visionary Constitution that could sanction this process. Blackberry some emails to Lawrence Tribe or Harriet Miers or Perry Mason and let's get moving.
We can't take three more years of this mistake. Things can only go from worse to worserer.
There will be no withdrawal from Iraq because, in real-world terms, there is no Iraq. There's the Shiites and the Sunnis and the Kurds, and nobody there really gives a flying falafel about their grand constitution. Iraq is a bad pamphlet with bloodstained photos and terrible subtitles. And at the first sight of trouble, bereft of American backup, the two divisions of Iraqis trained to be fighting soldiers will drop their M-16s quicker than you can say “General Shinseki.”
This weak economy will continue to hemorrhage good jobs, and yes, while you in Alabama think a good job means Walmart, we in the more prosperous states can't survive on $8.65 an hour with no healthcare.
2008 seems like 2080 right now. If the Iraqis can keep having “special elections,” why can't we? If those terrorists hate our freedom so much, then they'll be seething when our fancy new, in-your-face recall election moves forward. Bring it on.
Kerry. Hillary. Edwards. Bayh. Take out those woods and wedges and dust off those golf shoes. We're teeing off at ten. Fore!
Of course, by “we,” I mean all the misguided Red State voters. But now is not the time to be pointing fingers at those pinheads in Texas, South Carolina or Georgia. Now is not the time to blame those unthinking dimwits in Utah, Oklahoma or Tennessee. Or even those suspicious Diebold voting machines in Ohio.
Now is the time for some golf.
As many know, bad golfers can take a “mulligan” if they swing and miss the ball completely. Or if it dribbles four inches down the course after a mighty tee shot. It's a mistake that can be corrected.
Let's start thinking of the Bush Administration as the mulligan to end all mulligans. The two thousand brave soldiers who have died in Iraq so far (a major double-bogey concocted by Bush and Company) can't have a do-over. But we can honor their memory by ending this war before the eighteenth hole.
We can make sure that there will be no more “Brownies” doing one heckuva job. We can undo all the tax cuts that have bankrupted our treasury and have sabotaged our futures and those of subsequent generations. We can roll back the horrors of an administration that preaches family values, then breaches the privacy of a married CIA operative.
We don't have time for impeachment hearings should the Democrats wrest control of Congress next year. That process can take forever, and even if Bush is impeached and convicted, guess who takes over. That's right, our Caddy-in-Chief Dick (“Hole-in-Halliburton”) Cheney.
Pardon the pun, but sixty percent of us are so teed off that “Bush Fatigue” could turn us into zombie somnambulists in six more months, red eyes glazed over and muttering to ourselves should we keep hearing “They hate us for our freedom.” Damn, I'm starting to hate us for our freedom.
But the solution, my fellow golfers, is so easy.
All we need to do is follow California's lead.
Beset by an unpopular administration in the first year of its second term, the good people of the Golden State had the courage, if not the good sense, to recall the drab Gray Davis and replace him with the Technicolored Arnold Schwarzenegger, a movie star whose most impressive credential is that he's not a “girly man.”
We can do the same. Let's recall Bush. And I don't mean fondly. There has to be some hidden provision in our visionary Constitution that could sanction this process. Blackberry some emails to Lawrence Tribe or Harriet Miers or Perry Mason and let's get moving.
We can't take three more years of this mistake. Things can only go from worse to worserer.
There will be no withdrawal from Iraq because, in real-world terms, there is no Iraq. There's the Shiites and the Sunnis and the Kurds, and nobody there really gives a flying falafel about their grand constitution. Iraq is a bad pamphlet with bloodstained photos and terrible subtitles. And at the first sight of trouble, bereft of American backup, the two divisions of Iraqis trained to be fighting soldiers will drop their M-16s quicker than you can say “General Shinseki.”
This weak economy will continue to hemorrhage good jobs, and yes, while you in Alabama think a good job means Walmart, we in the more prosperous states can't survive on $8.65 an hour with no healthcare.
2008 seems like 2080 right now. If the Iraqis can keep having “special elections,” why can't we? If those terrorists hate our freedom so much, then they'll be seething when our fancy new, in-your-face recall election moves forward. Bring it on.
Kerry. Hillary. Edwards. Bayh. Take out those woods and wedges and dust off those golf shoes. We're teeing off at ten. Fore!
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