Phil's Thinking

U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad, sat in front of the class, listening patiently as Iraqi national security adviser Mowafak al-Rubaie pleaded for more time to finish the first draft of the Iraqi Constitution.

“We know it was due today, Mr. Ambassador,” Al-Rubaie intoned, his sullen eyes looking at the floor, “But last week was Ramadan and we aren’t allowed to work during this most holy of weeks.”

Al-Rubaie looked back at his classmates for support. Nothing.

Khalilzad, wearing a bemused smile, stood up and approached his favorite student. “Mowafak… Mow…I’m a Muslim too you know. Ramadan is two months away. Now I’m sure you can come up with a better excuse than that.”

Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari, jumped out of his chair. “Mr. Khalilzad, we finished the constitution late last night, but when we started to print, the ink cartridge ran out. It’s the Sunnis’ fault. They were put in charge of the printer!"

“Maybe this will help,” said Khalilzad as he opened his desk drawer and walked over to Al-Jaafari. “Here you go, Ibby, a brand new cartridge for your Epson printer. I expect the constitution in an hour.”

Turning on his heels, the Ambassador walked towards the door. A shout from the back of the class stopped him in his tracks.

“Mr. Khalilzad! Mr. Khalilzad!” It was none other than self-appointed ”class clown” Kurdish leader Jalal Talibani. “We have the constitution, but my dog ate it.”

Nervous giggles trickled through the room. Talibani continued. “Unfortunately, my dog was kidnapped early this morning by insurgents who are now threatening to behead him! If we can rescue him, we can wait until he poops and then pull the document out of his butt. Isn’t that how the Bush administration does it?”

“That’s enough, Tali,” Khalilzad barked. “Forming a democracy is no laughing matter. It may seem like a joke to most people, but it’s not. We’ve blown up thousands and thousands of your countrymen because we want you to be free, whether you like it or not. You have six hours to get me that constitution.”

The Ambassador slammed the door as he left.

“Tali, you jerk!” cried Al-Rubaie. “Now Mr. Khalilzad is mad at all of us. And even if we get him the stupid constitution, there’s no way he’s gonna give us anything better than a B-plus.”

“Oh, lay off Ruby,” replied Talibani, “Let’s just plagiarize the U.S. constitution and go home. This class is boring.”

Al-Jaafari nodded. “Good idea. Do you think we ought to include a Bill of Rights too?”

The classroom exploded in laughter. Even Al-Jaafari laughed.