Monday, May 21, 2007
The Fantastic Fall of Jerry Falwell
Satan and his minions were taken aback.
The new initiate into the Seventh Circle had made it in record-breaking time, cutting through the lesser circles like a hot knife through butter.
And there he was. The Reverend Jerry Falwell, the man who used his powerful pulpit to condemn gays and liberals and pro-choice advocates to eternal damnation, now found himself in the bowels of Hell.
“Surprise!” shouted Adolf Hitler.
'Welcome Jerry!” screamed Pol Pot.
“Glad you finally made it, dahlink!” cried Eva Gabor.
The Reverend looked confused.
“Excuse me, but there must be some mistake.”
Satan couldn't help but giggle. His chief of staff Idi Amin almost burst a gut.
“No mistake, pastor. We never make mistakes.”
Satan rose slowly from his thorny throne and approached the quivering Falwell.
“You sir, shall sit at my left hand,” intoned the Dark Lord, “for no one, in the past twenty-five years, has promulgated as much hate and fear as you have. I had reserved that special honor to Dick Cheney, but you beat him to the punch. Good timing.”
Jerry Falwell, stunned beyond measure, dropped to his knees. “But I've been a righteous man. I've done my best to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I should not be here!”
Satan howled. “Righteous? Try self-righteous. And it wasn't my idea to bring you here. I've always found you rather petty and insufferable.”
“Whose idea was it?”
“Jesus. He condemned you to Hell for belittling his people, for claiming that Jews could never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Satan leaned in a little closer and bared his pointy teeth. “Here's a little secret, Jerry. Only Jews get to go to Heaven.”
“But not all Jews go to Heaven,” Roy Cohn chimed in.
The news was too much for Falwell to take. “You mean my whole life's been wasted?”
Satan smiled. “No, no. It's been a wonderful life. You've been doing my work for over fifty years preaching intolerance and prejudice. You made me proud. ”
“But that was never my intention.”
Satan reached down and picked up the fallen Falwell. “The road to Hell is paved with…”
Satan paused and grinned, then with the force of a hundred men, flung Falwell into a dark, fiery pit filled with rats and vermin and excrement and two former cast members of “Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.”
“We reap what we sow, Jerry,” Satan shouted. “Dinner's at six. You'll be sitting in between Caligula and Aaron Spelling.”
Meanwhile, in many parts of America, the celebrations continued.
The new initiate into the Seventh Circle had made it in record-breaking time, cutting through the lesser circles like a hot knife through butter.
And there he was. The Reverend Jerry Falwell, the man who used his powerful pulpit to condemn gays and liberals and pro-choice advocates to eternal damnation, now found himself in the bowels of Hell.
“Surprise!” shouted Adolf Hitler.
'Welcome Jerry!” screamed Pol Pot.
“Glad you finally made it, dahlink!” cried Eva Gabor.
The Reverend looked confused.
“Excuse me, but there must be some mistake.”
Satan couldn't help but giggle. His chief of staff Idi Amin almost burst a gut.
“No mistake, pastor. We never make mistakes.”
Satan rose slowly from his thorny throne and approached the quivering Falwell.
“You sir, shall sit at my left hand,” intoned the Dark Lord, “for no one, in the past twenty-five years, has promulgated as much hate and fear as you have. I had reserved that special honor to Dick Cheney, but you beat him to the punch. Good timing.”
Jerry Falwell, stunned beyond measure, dropped to his knees. “But I've been a righteous man. I've done my best to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I should not be here!”
Satan howled. “Righteous? Try self-righteous. And it wasn't my idea to bring you here. I've always found you rather petty and insufferable.”
“Whose idea was it?”
“Jesus. He condemned you to Hell for belittling his people, for claiming that Jews could never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Satan leaned in a little closer and bared his pointy teeth. “Here's a little secret, Jerry. Only Jews get to go to Heaven.”
“But not all Jews go to Heaven,” Roy Cohn chimed in.
The news was too much for Falwell to take. “You mean my whole life's been wasted?”
Satan smiled. “No, no. It's been a wonderful life. You've been doing my work for over fifty years preaching intolerance and prejudice. You made me proud. ”
“But that was never my intention.”
Satan reached down and picked up the fallen Falwell. “The road to Hell is paved with…”
Satan paused and grinned, then with the force of a hundred men, flung Falwell into a dark, fiery pit filled with rats and vermin and excrement and two former cast members of “Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.”
“We reap what we sow, Jerry,” Satan shouted. “Dinner's at six. You'll be sitting in between Caligula and Aaron Spelling.”
Meanwhile, in many parts of America, the celebrations continued.
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