Monday, May 07, 2007
To Hell and Back with John McCain
Oh the excitement and suspense was palpable last week as the Republican candidates for President debated last night at the Ronald Reagan Museum!
Ten very white men squared off in a donnybrook reminiscent of Tyson-Holyfield II. Well, it seemed like that, because these rascals chewed my ear off for over ninety minutes.
Senator John McCain, hopped up on an odd mix of Red Bull and Cialis, came out swinging. In response to a question about whether it was prudent to focus so much national will and treasure on the capture of Osama “The Gingerbread Man” Bin Laden, the former POW took no prisoners. As President, McCain says “we will bring him to justice and I'll follow him to the gates of hell.”
He may have lost the debate right there.
According to most scholars, The Gates of Hell are very far away. To get there, one must drill to the core of the earth, through crust and mantle and a lot of molten magma. According to the Congressional Budget Office, chasing Bin Laden to those fiery gates could cost well over 4-trillion dollars. As a candidate who rails against budgetary waste and pork-barrel projects, McCain’s quest would bankrupt this nation, and, in his absence, all major White House decisions would be made by Vice President Imus.
McCain’s macho response begs an even bigger question: how does he know Bin Laden even wants to go to The Gates of Hell? Safely ensconced in some no-man’s land on the Afghani-Pakistani border, Bin Laden has no reason to go anywhere. Sure, if he had a chance, he might like to visit some relatives in Saudi Arabia or take a Princess Cruise to Anguilla. But The Gates of Hell? Why in heaven’s name would he ever want to go there? You can’t even find the place on Google Maps. I know. I tried.
Just for a moment, let’s suspend disbelief and pretend that Bin Laden, after seven years of travel, dialysis machine and three wives in tow, reaches the Gates of Hell, closely pursued by the doggedly determined President McCain.
Okay, they’re at the Gates. Now what? Does McCain challenge Bin Laden to a duel or to a boxing match? The diminutive Senator would be at a distinct disadvantage against the 6’5” Saudi. Yes, McCain is tough, but Bin Laden could easily flick away his lazy right jab. And let’s face it – McCain’s lost a step or two since 2000. He can’t dance around the ring like he used to. That’s why he has to dance with Jerry Falwell now.
Let’s keep going with this irrational scenario. Even if McCain could pummel or kill Bin Laden, who would know? Try getting cell phone service anywhere near Hell. “Can you hear Satan now?” No, you cant! McCain’s amazing feat of derring-do would go unreported for another seven years. Do you think the mainstream media would follow him on this quixotic quest and dare miss the Annual Correspondents Dinner, hosted, ironically, by Vice President Imus? No way in Hell.
By the time McCain got back to Washington, it would be 2022. He would’ve missed his entire presidency. Sure, Imus was effective in bringing down the deficit and in naming several nappy-headed hos to his Cabinet, but wasn’t it McCain who we elected in the first place?
Perhaps President Justin Timberlake will take pity on the now 85 year-old Arizonian and appoint him to a new commission, this one exploring the Giuliani administration’s failure to stop the terrorist attacks of 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Ten very white men squared off in a donnybrook reminiscent of Tyson-Holyfield II. Well, it seemed like that, because these rascals chewed my ear off for over ninety minutes.
Senator John McCain, hopped up on an odd mix of Red Bull and Cialis, came out swinging. In response to a question about whether it was prudent to focus so much national will and treasure on the capture of Osama “The Gingerbread Man” Bin Laden, the former POW took no prisoners. As President, McCain says “we will bring him to justice and I'll follow him to the gates of hell.”
He may have lost the debate right there.
According to most scholars, The Gates of Hell are very far away. To get there, one must drill to the core of the earth, through crust and mantle and a lot of molten magma. According to the Congressional Budget Office, chasing Bin Laden to those fiery gates could cost well over 4-trillion dollars. As a candidate who rails against budgetary waste and pork-barrel projects, McCain’s quest would bankrupt this nation, and, in his absence, all major White House decisions would be made by Vice President Imus.
McCain’s macho response begs an even bigger question: how does he know Bin Laden even wants to go to The Gates of Hell? Safely ensconced in some no-man’s land on the Afghani-Pakistani border, Bin Laden has no reason to go anywhere. Sure, if he had a chance, he might like to visit some relatives in Saudi Arabia or take a Princess Cruise to Anguilla. But The Gates of Hell? Why in heaven’s name would he ever want to go there? You can’t even find the place on Google Maps. I know. I tried.
Just for a moment, let’s suspend disbelief and pretend that Bin Laden, after seven years of travel, dialysis machine and three wives in tow, reaches the Gates of Hell, closely pursued by the doggedly determined President McCain.
Okay, they’re at the Gates. Now what? Does McCain challenge Bin Laden to a duel or to a boxing match? The diminutive Senator would be at a distinct disadvantage against the 6’5” Saudi. Yes, McCain is tough, but Bin Laden could easily flick away his lazy right jab. And let’s face it – McCain’s lost a step or two since 2000. He can’t dance around the ring like he used to. That’s why he has to dance with Jerry Falwell now.
Let’s keep going with this irrational scenario. Even if McCain could pummel or kill Bin Laden, who would know? Try getting cell phone service anywhere near Hell. “Can you hear Satan now?” No, you cant! McCain’s amazing feat of derring-do would go unreported for another seven years. Do you think the mainstream media would follow him on this quixotic quest and dare miss the Annual Correspondents Dinner, hosted, ironically, by Vice President Imus? No way in Hell.
By the time McCain got back to Washington, it would be 2022. He would’ve missed his entire presidency. Sure, Imus was effective in bringing down the deficit and in naming several nappy-headed hos to his Cabinet, but wasn’t it McCain who we elected in the first place?
Perhaps President Justin Timberlake will take pity on the now 85 year-old Arizonian and appoint him to a new commission, this one exploring the Giuliani administration’s failure to stop the terrorist attacks of 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
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